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The_Great_Veen
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read my profile
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Name: Thomas
Country: United States
State: Michigan
Metro: Grand Rapids
Gender: Male
Interests: Paintball, Lacrosse, Snowboarding, Bass Guitar, Psychology, breaking stuff to look tough, overanalyzing, putting myself in harms way to get a damn funny story out of it
Expertise: Writing, B.S.ing, pulling through at the last second
Occupation: Student
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  Magnum Popsicle
Member Since:
3/3/2004
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| hey sweet, my facebook badge works now.
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| Some people don't like me.
I know, I know, it's hard to believe (and obviously the majority of these people must be insane, intoxicated, crack addicts, or a combination of the three), yet
it's true. To be honest, it doesn't bother me, it never bothered me, and I'm not losing any sleep over it. Should someone think I'm an asshole, I tend to believe that, from their perspective, I probably was. I can only hope I had my reasons for it, and it was justified to me.
The reason I'm bringing this up though, is because this past weekend, was the first time I actually felt like an asshole in quite some time. Not because of how poorly I treated someone, but because of how well. The things I did for said individual; putting myself out there, being the best friend and advisor I knew how to be, being in the line of fire and backing all his plays. Apparently all of that was so unnecessary, so unwarranted, but most of all so undeserving.
Only once or twice have I misjudged someone so badly in my life, and it's left me feeling like an asshole for how I behaved. For how I could be so blind and let myself be so abused. And for how I could be such an asshole in the first place (part of me is wondering how many times I can use the word 'asshole' in a single post. For those keeping track we're now up to 4).
The only bother is that, like I've said so much, I hate losing faith in people. It just seems like the more you try to help someone, the more option you give them to dump everything on you, take advantage of you, and most of all go out of their way to hurt you. To each their own I guess. But at least all can take some solace in the knowledge that karma will eventually catch up with everyone.
The good news is I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, and that gives me hope. I'm not letting this shake up the friendships I have, paranoia would only validate it and I do recognize the true face of friendship through all of this.
I guess I'm gonna get going and tend to some other things, I'm sure I'll update again with something worthwhile later in the week when I'm not in such a weird mood.
And I did have an amazing Valentines Day. and Liz and I are still doing
great. She's been the most amazing girlfriend, especially in light of
the chaos that's been happening lately. I just can't wait to be able to
return the favor even halfway someday. I'm just going to say that I
can't wait for the summer to come. I'll write more on that later I'm sure.
:::Tags:::
Annie- Send me a copy of it, I wanna see the excerpts you picked, lol
Nate- I said by Sunday, but never which Sunday *shifty eyes*
Bekah- If ya couldn't tell I'd say we all needed alittle vacation from here. I'll make sure Liz and I find a way in a couple weeks, lol.
Jeff- Oh come on man. I'm... I'm just busy, alright? *sob*
Michelle- It sounds like a great idea, I'll get a hold of ya sometime soon. Don't let Jeff fool you.
Kat- You still alive, kiddo?
Jake- Buddy, you need a roommate in a couple months?
Martin- You gotta call me man, muy importante. I miss ya, bro.
Matt- Me not tagging along with you Saturday ended up working out really well, but I wanna do that Midland trip too if it's still an option.
Andrew- I don't like it here in AllenFuckDale. I need to find a way to sneak to STL soonish.
| | |
| I started today in a craptastic mood, but it's slowly improved as the hours have gone by. I think if I can manage to get some food in me, I may actually crack a smile.
May.
In the meantime, a little business to get through first before I share a little more of the insanity that transpires within my own skull.
Been rewatching the first season of Batlestar Galactica since Liz has taken an interest in it looking over my shoulder as I drool over season 2, and though I've already seen it all already, it kept me at the edge of my seat the entirety of each episode. The show is fantastic, and is one of the 2 best series currently on the air.
The other one at the top of my list, Heroes, and it was the strongest episode this season. I simply adore this show, and if gets cancelled, I swear to Jebas I will come to your house and set fire to your television. If you don't watch this show, you don't deserve to own one. The setting, the characters, the incredible cast and of course, the writing. Fantastic.
If you have any faith in my tastes, and I think you do considering you come here and actually read what I have to say from time to time, I urge you to give this show a shot next Monday. Or tonight if you're bored and have a good connection (all the episodes are online at NBC.com). If you don't like it, the next time you see me, we can engage in some inappropriate touching.
Hmmm, maybe I should take that last part back? Meh.
Speaking of being out of the lop, though, I finally found myself an *in* for WoW. Well, not so much found one as had one tossed into my lap. Either way, it's been a really great thing. I got a hold of BC and I'm back into the swing of things, and it was phenominal to be able to spend time with the whole crew again, expecially getting to see Merch again for the first time in what seems like ages. Now we just need to get his ass on Facebook, lol.
And because I'm sure you've all been waiting for it, the further reaches of my stupidity. As I'm sure we've all been making good, intelligent decisions during this nasty blizzard, keeping warm, staying off the roads and whatnot. What did Matt and I do? Well, we certainly didn't entertain any logic, I can tell you that much. During the thickest of this blitzing hellstorm of ice and death, we thought it the best course of action to go out and play. Well, walk a couple ,miles rather, but the basis remains the same. Why? Becuase we can, why the fuck not? Don't answer that.
On a more serious note (that's a laugh), someone asked me what I was afraid of the other day and it actually got me thinking.
I've got to come clean on this, mostly because it's bound to come out sooner or later if you haven't already discovered this anyways. When it comes to Horror movies, I am a ridiculous pansy. I'm the pansy that other pansies look at and go: "Damn. He's a pansy".
In reality, I don't get scared or intimated, just not in my nature. But these damn movies? These fucking horror/thriller movies? They have me covering my face and squealing like a toddler. Sometimes you just don't see my inner voice cowering in fear in a puddle of its own cowardice (well, it might not be all cowardice...) And no, it's not the gore, it's not the 'realism' or effects, in fact it's just the opposite. The really subtle stuff, you know what I'm talking about. Like when something skitters across the floor, or moves in a strangely inhuman way. God, that shit gives me the heebiest of jeebies.
The moral of this little tale? I keep seeing adds for movies like Messengers. And while I think the movies themselves look ridiculous, and I'm sure I'd be able to stomach them like a pro (and I have), theres still that off-kilter twinge in the back of my mind that follows me back home. I can push it out of my mind easy, but when that kid skates the background behind the girl eveyr time the damn preview gets plugged, that just makes my skin crawl.
If you see the vengeful Indian spirit whose burial ground I desecrated, tell him I went thataway.
Let's move on from this child like admission, shall we? Alright.
Aside from horror movies and God's unnatural interest in thwarting me, there's really not much in this world that will give me pause (I'm manly like that). But after pondering it further, I came to the conclusion that there was one fear that I've always had, that's only grown in scope over the last few years. I figure I could get away with this after that last little intimate visit with my inner-wussy.
When I first started writing seriously, almost 5 years ago back when I was considering exploring it as my main focus, my biggest concern was what would happen if I ran out of ideas, if I couldn't think of anything to write about. What if I had this huge community of readers that came that suddenly had no pages to turn? What if this writing shtick became my full time job and people's livelihood depended on whether I could put together a clever joke or not? What if I let everyone down?
Sure I realize that last little segue hints at something so muhc more, but it made me realize even more that I'm a simple person, and at heart all I want to do is please others. My biggest worry is not being able to provide for others in the long run, and it just circles back to the same type of thing that I've been posting about for the last few months. Or hell, years. I'm just humbled that I'm in tune with myself like this. It's reassuring on its own level that I'm aware of my abilities and my shortcomings alike.
Well, I can certainly stop boring you all to tears while I sit hear and drone on and on. Have these:
- Liz knows absolutely nothing about cars, but I think I can manage to convince her its a good idea to invest in snow tires that have spikes coming out of them.
- Happy birthday, Roya (and you smell like one too)
- I'm not nearly mature enough to be supporting anyone else, I can't even support myself. And in light of that I have two others who rely on me on a daily basis.
- Valentines Day is coming up, and being beyond broke makes things difficult to keep up this guise of a "sweet, charming boyfriend". I think the jig's gonna be up soon...
- I'm hungry.
- Walking around in 45 mph winds and -20's windchills can be invigorating, and it's amusing to see your icicle of a friend try to light a cigarrette in said conditions.
- White vans in blizzard conditions scare you shitless when you're walking down the middle of the road for fun.
- NBC's Heroes has it's teeth deep into me, I be hooked.
- Why the hell are so few people watching Battlestar Galactica, but over 20 million of you check in weekly to see Dancing with the Stars?
- I like making lists.
- Society would show wisdom if they it let me run things.
- I posted a bunch of pics of my puppy for you all to fawn over.
- Sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much.
- A Scanner Darkly is a damn strange movie.
- It takes 3 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.
- I have an interview coming tomorrow that I'm super excited about, since it's a respectable line of work and a step in the direction of getting money.
- My brother may have fallen off the face of the Earth. I think the gnomes got him.
The answer is no, I haven't yet fulfilled my Ritalin prescription. So quit asking. Now I think I'm going to go get some lunch because I am hungry and enjoy eating.
:::Tags:::
Nate- Sunday, huh? Its going be a long trip.
P- Do alt's have the same powers as the officers themselves, or do I need to find a way to port Hozzy?
Alex- Thanks for letting Matt and I kill your afternoon, it was fun talking with you and your roomie.
Kristin- I got your IM, but didn't wanna start another huge bout of phone tag. Whats up? :)
Kat- I saw you got sidetracked Friday, lemme know when you wanna do something again.
Kalisa- I got it back! HAHA
Andrea- Now you can get off my back :P
Poole- I was totally joking with that address thing, I just wanted you to IM me, lol. But I got them, thank you, it was very much appreciated.
Deid- I promise I'll stop being MIA soon, really. lol
Jake- THANK GOD you're here! There's a fire, and these guys with guns....
Kirby- Great catching up with you man, you better not let it get that long again. Or so help me I'll join the Marines so fast...
Josh- Sounds like a plan.
Benmark- You should post pics of the baldness. It'd be fun.
Boomers- You'll have to pry her from my cold dead hands :P
| | |
| Having free time is a blessing, sure. But having *too much* free time can be bad. Especially when its not up to you, and you're quite aware of everything that you could be doing thats worthwhile, but you're stuck on your ass. Yes, I'm on suspension from work, and it ridiculous. Moral of the story? Keep as low profile as possible, becuase if you clean up everyone elses mess and pull more weight than just your alloted share, its that much easier for everyone else to spot if you slip up. And its easy for them to become hypocrites, so let's just not give them that opportunity, 'kay? 'Kay.
At least in the meantime I've had the option to recreate my beyond-my-means sleep schedule, fight with the bank (I've got such good luck), bargain with the landlord, and spend some much needed time playing upkeep with some wayward friends. Not to mention spending tons of time with Liz, which is almost reason enough to skip work 24/7 to be with her if it didn't mean I'd be eternally poor.
About the bank, though. There's this fun thing, that Chase Morgan Financial Co. likes to do. You see, what they do is just at random, reach into my account, and just *grab* like, I dunno, between upwards of 150-300 dollars. Did I owe them? Certainly not. Did they give it back when I asked them about it? Oh heavens no. They questioned MY motives. They accused me of being in the wrong. Because, obviously, the account in question has been open since 2000. A business account. Now, I'm no mathemetician, but I'm pretty sure I was a freshman in High School at the time. And yes, for the benefit of the doubt, I was absolutely NOT an entrepeneur, as I was on the verge of dropping out and getting in massive trouble for Truancy. So, please, Chase Bank, may I have my money back, FOR THE THIRD FUCKING TIME IN THREE MONTHS? Lord, you'd think with all their 'automated banking' systems they'd be able to make some sort of e-stickynote for this here mistake. I guess that's just too easy, and we can't have that now, can we?
In other news, my brother's house is trying to kill him. Subtlely, at that. Over the past few weeks he's in the hospital fighting a very very serious staph infection. So what does he do after he gets my parents to cough up the cash for the painfully expensive antibiotics? Rather than seek safehaven, he humbly returns to the assailant; the house with porn growing out of the walls and crack spoons where faucets or other appliances should be. I guess us Veens are, if nothing else, tenacious.
Speaking of, my efforts around the apartment apparently ave come to fruition. Whether or not it had anything whatsoever to do with me and my actions or not, I'm not one to look a gifthorse in the mouth. I'm just overjoyed that things are finally OK around here. "It's a great weight off me' mind."
Sicne the semester began, I've been keeping a close eye on myself to not fall back into my normal aloofness and let the grades slip, or allow the classes themselves become W's. I've come to terms with my slacker mentality and as of late I've been able to overcome it. The Aimee incident notwithstanding, and now I've got Matt sticking around town for a little while longer and hanging out with me and Liz on campus while we're all between classes, working out, or otherwise.
Now as for Aimee herself? Out of the picture entirely. As you've all gathered, I will put up with crap for a long time, and it takes an awful lot to finally tip me off the edge. Well, Aimee took my charity and patience and decided to do away with it all at once, and make an attack on Liz. I really don't feel like getting into the details, suffice it to say that she's been dealt with accordingly and she will no longer be involved in any aspect of either of our lives, be it acquaintance or otherwise. Much to our collective dismay, as she is very much a different person than the one we all came to know and love. A damn shame, a damn shame...
Moving on to the inner workings of my mind…
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about walls. Not so much the brick and mortar ones, but rather the internal versions that each of us builds within ourselves for whatever reasons. I’m by no means a psychology expert (*ahem*), but I think at their very foundation, these walls are built by fear and insecurity. We could be scared of getting hurt, of repeating the past, of getting into an unfortunate situation we later learned could have easily been avoided. We could be unsure of ourselves, unsure of our place in the world, of where we fit in the grand schemes of things. Do the majority of us make the effort to express our concerns to the people in our lives, do we open up and let others see us at our most vulnerable? No. We take all those fears and insecurities and we tuck them away where no one can see them. Right behind a wall.
Over the years, some of us have managed to learn how to tear down that wall and put ourselves in the very uncomfortable situation of trusting another human being, putting everything out there. What I’ve discovered though, is that as difficult as it might be to kick the shit out of that wall, and bring it down, it’s infinitely harder to keep it down for good. Certain triggers, instances, even a single word can rebuild that wall faster than you blink. And you’re right back where you started. Behind your wall.
At the same time it's just as interesting a phenomina to see these walls topple like dominos. Those same triggers tearing them down rapidly rather than bringing the defenses back up. And of course, not to mention, the shock of it all but a moment later. The mind has a knack for giving a nasty sucker-punch every now and then, and sometimes, however taxing, can be quite amusing.
It seems like it's been happening more frequently lately, as almost everytime Liz and I have a deep discussion (which is quite often), another barrier gets chiseled away. Stuff that I had buried in the back of my mind years ago has begun to resurface, memories, events, even people. It's very heartwarming, to revisit these forgoteen facets of our lives. Then again, it's also kinda scary at the same time.
All of this, though, does help me realize how great Liz truly is. Obviously, I've never been this open with anyone ever before in my life, or been so *myself*. Sure, I'm comfortable around my friends, joining me via cell phone while I subject them to me peeing as I continue to rant them into a minute-overage-coma, or the crowd-favorite farting contest. But to be friends with someone to such a degree is divine. That and I don't usually cuddle with Matt.
Well, by choice at least.
:::TAGS! YOU'RE IT:::
Kristin- Really good to see you again. 12 bucks says it'll be months before I see ya again (lol)
Jake- You, me, Tequila, Bogardan, this summer. Yeah!
Deid- How'd the big day turn out?
Poole- 5225 Rich St, Allendale MI, 49401. :P
Beth- Chances are I'm elaving there entirely. It's really not worth it.
Kalisa- For the love of god... You should just set it in some bushes for me and I can scavenger hunt. Better than playing phone tag.
P- Sup? Is it about the couches?
Martin- I feel less bad about being a creepy e-stalker with all your password info now. Heh.
Nate- You're turning 62 IRL, lawl
Bekah- My bad, fixed the typo this time around.
Kirby- Grats again, buddy.
Josh- My condolences, hahaha.
Samantha- It's been a while since anyone put 'love' in my food. ;)
Brower- I might have to come by and harass you at Olga's sometime. It's been a while.
Wendy- 8:37 wasn't it? Something like that...
| | |
| Do you ever think about what it would be like if people could jsut
relax? You know, not hold grudges, not be petty, not do the
stereotypical female "you should know why I'm mad, so I won't talk to
you until you psychically figure it out and solve it" move? Sometimes I
get so confused and disoriented from it all, I have to sit down and
ponder why exactly is it that people have this inherent *need* to be
assholes. Is it lust for power, to feel like they are better than
others? Is it to enact revenge on those who have wronged them, only to
become that which they have grown to hate in the first place? I
honestly hate to pull this one, but "can't we all just... get along?"
It'd be a Utopia! And it's within our grasp! But, shamefully, I suppose
our generation, nay, our race, is wholly unworthy of such a paradise.
It's times like these that affirm my stance on why there are so few
free-thinkers and *capable* people left in this world, mentally. Take
for example girls that say they're just looking for a 'nice guy'- A) We
all know that's bullshit, and B) In the cases that are actually true,
there are so few nice guys left because of A). If we stop the lies, if
we get rid of the pointless aggression, and just let the fuck go, do
you have any idea how much better things would be? Of course not,
otherwise I wouldn't have a topic to rant about right now, would I.
There's a reason there's so few of us left, these problems and needless
squabbles over he-said/she-said are killing us off.
If you couldn't tell, I’ve been in a rather odd headspace the last
couple of weeks... I've been thinking, musing, and reflecting. Which we
all know can never be a good thing.
It’s a sobering experience, when you’re forced to look at who you are,
at who you’ve become. It’s even weirder to try and piece together how
you became this way. A thousand little forks in the road, a million
tiny events are all responsible for who you see every time you look in
the mirror.
I'm proud to say that I know in my heart that at every possible venue
I've done everything within my power (and then some) to aide in
whatever situation I'm involved in. I overstress myself with worry and
dwell on the slightest of others' problems, just to do anything I could
to help. I reintroduced myself to the wonders of stomach ulcers by
working almost literally to death, just so people who needed shifts
covered could tend to their own issues. I'm the first to admit fault
(humility is one of my strong points), I'm always willing to place
myself last on the list, and I'd give my last dollar before letting
someone down. It's just my nature. Most of you know my parents, or at
least of them and my homelife. I wasn't raised this way, I came to it
on my own because I try to follow the golden rule, and take it one step
further. Pay It Forward, if you will. I bleed myself dry in an attempt
to leave this world a better place once I pass through it. And no, this
all is certainly the farthest thing from an ego trip (again, it's
pretty bad that I'd have to imagine *defending* this...).
I can almost make myself believe that I’d be happy living the same type
of life as the majority of my friends, or that recognition of my work
means nothing to me, but not even I can manage to pretend that I'd be
content with a desk job pushing papers all day. I just can't help but
watch as others who have less than no direction in life jsut have
things handed to them on a silver platter. I've made a plan, I've got
the goals, and I've got the willpower, but it's an uphill battle, and
it's so damn tiring.
At the same time, though, all of this has helped me see who my true
friends are. As a person who is defined by those around him, it pains
me to thinnk that I'm being compared to those that are too petty to
even spare a glass of milk or a square of toilet paper. As much as it
pains me to do, as turning my back on something leaves me with an
unyeilding sense of emptiness and incompleteness, not to mention
failure, that trying with this type of person for so long and still
making no headway, that it's simply not worth it. I pride myself on
being sorrounded with honest, respectful, intelligent, and all around
decent people; but no matter how much effort, some are just unable to
fit into those categories. Who knows, they may reach that point
someday, I'm not the one making the call. But the remaining few around
me grant m strength and keep my faith high as they prove that there are
those out there who have reached this honorable state as well. If God
truly exists, it makes one wonder- are his favorite children really the
ones who are faced with the most challenges? In a way, this all can be
kind of flattering. In another way, I can be a blasphemer and have
about ten seconds before I'm struck down for my insolence. Whichever.
The oddness also comes into play by realizing, that in writing this,
how much of my life becomes an open book for anyone at a 3rd grade
reading level. You can spend a little bit of time over here and I think
you might have a really good chance of knowing who I am. It’s an
interesting notion that I’ve only taken into account very recently, but
it’s on my mind nonetheless. It’s a rather odd position for me to be
in, as I’m apparently not the man cloaked in mystery and intrigue I
always took myself for.
With that said, I would appreciate it greatly if you would all be so kind as to get the hell out of my head.
Parting thoughts-
*Matt- You're my best friend, you've been like a brother to me. We've
seen eachother through some *damn* rough times, and I'm more than sure
we haven't seen the end of them. No matter what, though, we've stuck by
eachother, and have been there for one another without question. You
have no idea what it means to me to know you've got my back.
*Liz- I'm gonna try to not overstep the bareable line of sappy and
still express myself here... I love you. Since you came back into my
life you've given me the confidence that I've lacked, and given me the
motivation I so sorely needed to get my life back on track. You gave me
a reason to keep going.
*Andrew- The past few months have helped me realize that beyond all the
spats, arguements, and disagreements, that we're family, and family is
constant. Being able to count on eachother has pulled us both through
some really tough shit, and you know that in a moment's notice I can
haul ass down to Missouri if need be, and vice versa.
*Nate- It's been my fault I've been AWOL the last few, well, months I
guess. I can accept that, and it's really nice to know that you've
always got a spot open for me when/if I can catch back up with
everyone. It's reassurring that you all are being so understanding with
everything and are willing to help me out since I've had to take a knee.
*Kirby- I know that it's getting more and more few and far between with
our chats, I just want you to know that you're my oldest and dearest
friend. This summer, I promise that I'm going to take you up on that
offer to raid your fridge and occupy your couch, as you know the offer
will always remain open for you to do the same. I'm glad that in a
pinch I can always send a shout your way to give me the sage-like
advice I need.
*Josh- Not a day passes where I don't at least give a fleeting thought
to how yours is, whether I feel like shit having a good day or laugh
about you having a shitty one, respectively. Even after the past few
years, I know that no matter what I can always have you to relate to,
comiserate with, whatehaveyou.
*Eric- Even though we've only known eachother an incredible short
while, I find myself honored to have met you. All I wish is that while
you were living here things wouldn't have been quite so negative.
Either way, getting that call on New Years actually made my day and
hope that things can go back to how they used to be, as you may have
been the greatest conversationalist and most adaptable person I've met
in a long time, or possibly ever.
*Jake- I'm pretty sure you're going to give me hell for putting you
last on this list, but you're obviously not the least. We've been
friends since gradeschool, and you're the only one that can rebound the
crazy shit that comes out of me and act accordingly. No one else is
creative enough or has the patience enough to deal with that, let alone
build off it, and I fail to recall a time you haven't made me laugh my
ass off. Well, I remember *a* time, but at least we laugh about it,
now, eh? Heh...
All this thought has my head spinning, so I'll wind things to a close.
I guess if there's anything I don't think I've covered well enough,
it's that I'm always around. I'm always willing to be there for others,
it's just a bit depressing that so few can ever return the favor. No
matter, though. My phone will always be on, my door will always be
open, to a certain extent neither my patience nor my forgiveness know
bounds. If I've ever done something to offend, if I've ever hurt, I am
deeply sorry. Not even I can delude myself into thinking that I'm
perfect, but I promise that I would do anything in my abilities to mend
whatever wounds and right any wrongs, and it's almost unfair to not let
me do so.
For those of you who 'anonymously' peruse my writings, you know who you are, take some time to think.
:::Tags:::
Becca- When's the next time you'll be in town? Maybe then we can spend some more time together than me being a dork at an event.
Pigeon- Give me a call on my cell, or hit me on the site. I gotta talk to you about some stuff.
Annie- Long story short, I think things might have finally changed, lol
Beth- I've got your check now, gimme a call when you're not in class and we can do lunch.
Poole- Goggles?
Sarah- We should Hooters sometime this week or next, what do ya say, LOL
Wakefield- Sorry my phone puked out after you called, if you're still in town hit me up, it'll be great to catch up.
Deid- I miss our coffee time, whats your class sched look like? We should find another good time to meet up.
Churches- Whatever happened to being the responsible one? Lol, I warned you.
Andrea- It'll be this week, I mean it this time, haha
Linz- Heh, how'd things turn out? | | |
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